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Hopefully, someone learnt their lesson!

29/4/2016

Today is Reunification Day...the day when the two parts of Vietnam joined as one country again, after the war...46 yrs ago!

This is a big holiday for the people, so all day there have been concerts & dancing & general revelry , going on in the park at the end of my alley...

Tonight there were fireworks (imagine that...LMAO)...
I wasnt going to bother, until someone told me that this year they were going to let them off from the Bitexco Tower, which is in direct line of sight from the main street....

There was a huge crowd in the street, both tourists & locals, all waiting for the off, at 9pm...

As an aside, I have told you before that I never carry money in obvious places...
A working amount for the day goes into a money clip, then into my bra (ah...the perks of big boobs ..lol)....if I need more money for something, I have a money pouch, that clips inside my undies....so anyone who wants my money is going to have to grope my private parts to get at it...
Anyone desperate enough to cop a feel of my raddled, old body, is , in my opinion deserving of everything I have...LOL

In my outside pockets I carry nothing more than my cigarettes, some tissues & my inhaler....

Sooooo...back we go to the waiting crowd...
The fireworks start to go off, & we are all oohing & ahhing, when I feel a hand groping the pocket with my tissues, et al

I yanked my top sideways, & the hand came with it....
Unfortunately for this little sprout of a woman, the pockets on this loose top had a small opening, widening into a larger pocket below...so when I grabbed the top, her hand got trapped inside....so now she is literally joined to this large, angry woman, at the hip...LMAO

I looked down at her, to see her almost whistling with innocence, gazing up at the fireworks & oohing with admiration....with her hand still trapped in my pocket!!!!!!
Did she think I didnt notice? Lmao

I asked what the hell she thought she was doing?
At this point, if she had extricated herself, full of tears & apologies, I MIGHT have let her go on her way...
BUT....she sneered at me, curling her lip, & spat something at me , in Vietnamese, that I just knew was not complimentary..

That was IT!!!
I grabbed her hand quite roughly, & started to pull it out, when she started screeching & tried to slap me....

OH NO, You Didnt!

I grabbed her hand tighter, pulled it out & bent her fingers right back...before she broke free, screaming, crying & running, clasping her hand to her breast....

Ummmmm...I think I might have broken a finger or two....

I felt guilty for all of about two seconds....perhaps next time she will think before doing stupid things!

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A freaking NIGHTMARE...never again!!!

29/4/2016

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So...it was that time again...time for a visa extension...

Off to my friendly little travel agent, only to be told that because of the Communist Party elections of a new Prime Minister, that all visa extensions were limited to 1 month, until the end of May...
I said I would have to go to Cambodia, but she said she could not guarantee that I would get more than a 1 month entry there, either...

She then offered to try & get me an invitation from the govt, for a 1 YEAR Business visa...I would only have to exit at the border, 2 hours away, then turn straight around & re enter Vietnam with the letter...

I was a bit nervous about this, as I was under the impression that you could not get a visa on arrival, at a land crossing...& as I was handing over about $500 for the visa etc, the thought of them saying "no way Jose" at the border, was not a comforting thought...
I had visions of me having to camp in no-mans land, between the 2 countries, for the rest of my days...LMAO

But....she gave me an email address for an Australian guy, who had just done this run, a week ago...
He emailed me back with clear instructions, which made me feel better!

As it turned out, the Govt only granted me a 3 month VOA (no reason given for turning down the 1 yr...Govt depts here do love their little secrets...lol)

But I was content...3 months was better than the 1 month originally offered...& instead of the 4 day trip to Phnom Penh, I could go early in the morning & be home for lunch...all for the princely sum of around $70....

When will I ever learn?
When something seems easy, in Vietnam, you should run for the hills...you can lay money on it being a total cock up!

These were the instructions sent to me by email, for getting the VOA at the Moc Bai border...

[ Do the VN exit procedures,

Walk to Cambodia, fill out arrival/departure forms. Exit.

Go around to exit Cambodia on the other side. They might ask for a VN visa (show business invitation letter.)

Walk back to Vietnam's huge building. The visa on arrival office is easy to find next to the right-most border desk/officer. Fill-in forms, add 1 photo each. Wait 30 minutes at an outdoor cafe. Come back. Pay $135 each (NO coffee money asked nor given). The VOA guy was pleasant - quite a surprise.]

Sounds easy, eh?

Unfortunately not! I have just been through a day of HELL!

So clutching the letter in my hot little hand, off I set on the 7am bus...we reached Moc Bai at 9.30 am, exited Vietnam...

I rode on in the bus, the half a kilometre through no-mans land, to Bavet, letting the bus assistant deal with getting the Cambodian visa...$30 for the visa, $5 for his help....

I left the bus & walked around to the other side of the border control, & exited Cambodia again...very quick, very easy, & very friendly...all going well so far!

Walked back to the Vietnam border, & this was where it started to unravel...badly!

I was directed to the VOA counter, where about 10 people waited in line...

BUT....the two Vietnamese people at the front of this queue were processing two busloads of passports...staff were trying to get them to leave the the tiny glass window, once they had handed in the passports, but they were not having a bar of this...they obviously knew what would happen if they left their post...the passports would be pushed aside...

The woman had her head through the glass, haranging the border official, while the poor guy with her was sodden with sweat...turns out the poor buggers were into their 4th hour of waiting...

Behind the glass was ONE guy...working at glacial speed, without the slightest iota of shame...he hit his keyboard with one finger about every 20 secs...he got up & left for coffee at one point...he traced each invite with a finger numerous times..

By this stage the crowd was growing...now about 100 strong..& 1 hour in for us..

Then all the sneaky business started...

Runners were extorting $10 - $15 from people , impatient enough not to wait...shoving their passports through the window & trying to drag the owners up to the front of the line...

The six of us at the front of the queue were not having this, & formed a blockade to stop anyone pushing in...tempers were fraying!

The two bus Assistants were still blocking the window...& so we waited..

It was very hot, there were no chairs, no where to buy a drink...a nightmare!

The lazy sod inside the office, came out a couple of times, shouting & waving his arms about, trying to get us to back off...6 large westerners eyeballing him ferociously, sent him scurrying back inside...lol

Meanwhile, 2 Russian guys, who had been silly enough to hand over their passports, 4 hrs earlier, & move away from the window, lost the plot & threw a major tantrum....bringing a flotilla of border control guys, to deal with the disturbance...

But...did they stay to help clear the backlog...HELL NO!

Mr Snail went back to his dawdling along !

2 hrs in, & I was losing the will to live!!!

Finally, another officer came in to help out....after the queue got more & more loud & frustrated...meanwhile these little runner aholes kept up their raids on the window...

The passports started to come out, but not without problems....now the border officers started trying to extort extra money!

One silly American guy got stung for $85 for a $25 visa , even though we told him not to pay it!!!

Finally mine appeared...with an extra $5 for coffee money (I had been warned this would probably happen, by my travel agent, so I paid up & shut up)

Was this the end of it? Not even!

Now we had to join the LONG line to enter Vietnam....3 booths manned, but only ONE working...the queue was a mile long, with bus loads of Vietnamese entering for the upcoming holiday, plus the VOA people who had been cleared for visa's...& of course the usual pushing , shoving crowd trying to jump the queue...more altercations breaking out!

I noticed some people approaching both the other booths, & being ordered away, but then it became obvious that some were getting through....

Then an English guy told us that if you slipped $10 into your passport, you got instant attention!

I was having none of this, so waited in the long line, fending off queue jumpers...of course, the one working line that didnt involve a bribe, was working at snails pace...he was obviously pissed off at missing out, & was letting us all know!

5 hrs after entering this Dantes Inferno, I emerged on the other side...sweat sodden, dehydrated, & crippled with an aching back...

I couldnt get on a bus home, quick enough...but not before another attempt at overcharging, from the bus driver & his assistant...there were 8 of us expats on the bus, & as we refused to overpay &/or get off, they driver et al had to remain disappointed...

Would I do this again? Not in a million years!

I will be back to doing the Phnom Penh run, with a little fellow doing the hard yards for the visa, while I relax in my hotel...

I finally got home at 6.30pm...12 hours of hell!

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Flawed Logic....

18/4/2016

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Vietnam...with Saigon in particular, is famous for its crazy traffic...

This is very light traffic...reasonably easy to navigate on foot, as long as you follow the rules....which are...there aren't any!

The vehicle is "King", whether it be bus/truck, car or motorbike...the bigger the vehicle, the more royal it becomes...LOL
Things like zebra crossings & green walk lights , are merely a suggestion, to be treated with joyous contempt....

Guide books tell tourists that they should put their hand out & commence to cross in a slow, steady walk, letting the traffic flow around them...FUCK THAT !
You run the risk of getting your arm wiped off, & if you do survive this method, reaching the other side in a sweating anxious mess, vowing to never cross a street again...LMAO

I have become adept at the "Saigon Scuttle"....
Looking in 5 different directions at once ...forward, back, left, right, down (you need to watch where you place your feet, on the uneven surface )...you wait for a small break in the flow, then launch yourself out, in a fast shuffle....with a determined stare at approaching missiles....

Motorbikes can trim their sails, & flow around you, but buses & cars dont have that ability ( & indeed , have no interest in learning it...might is right, yanno?...lol)
So....you either make a dash for your life (at which point you risk being wiped out by a bike, whizzing through on the inside of the bus, oblivious to your emerging presence) or, you stand stock still, as the bus roars by, mere inches from your nose, before scuttling on....
You do get used to it!

However....on a Sunday or public holiday, the game changes....

Sundays are the one day off the week, that the majority of Vietnamese have a day off....
Do they stay home, resting? Like hell they do!
They visit friends, they go out to eat & drink, they put on their best clothes & go out to see & be seen....
The whole city becomes a mess of solid, seething traffic (half of whom are texting as they drive...lol)....

These are the days where you literally take your life in your hands! All rules go out the window!

I have found that the best way is to attach yourself to a local as they cross the street...
That is logical, eh? They have learnt at their mothers knee, & have years of experience...

What the hell was I thinking?????

Last evening, when the traffic was particularly bad, I tucked in beside a street seller as she crossed the wide main drag....as we set off, another woman appeared, under my armpit on the other side of me...the gang of three, with me safely (sic) in the middle...LMAO

Halfway across, as the traffic bore down on us from both directions, I suddenly saw the flawed logic in this....
Both these women were tiny...little fluffs of nothingness !

It dawned on me, that if a vehicle of any description, should ram into us, these dandelion women would be easily tossed aside, with the vehicle then smashing into the nearest immovable object....a large "Kiwi" immovable object!!!!!!!

It was a nasty realisation which made my steps falter....both women sensed my indecision, & grabbed my arms, hauling me along with them to the opposite side....

I must admit to being shaken by my stupidity....
I wont stop crossing in heavy traffic, but in future will be responsible for my own safety, rather than relying on someone who may or may not know what they are doing....

Motorists here are not deliberately trying to mow down a walker (ummmm...with the exception of bus drivers...they are evil...I swear they have a dead pedestrian counter somewhere on the bus...LMAO), ...bike riders, in particular, have little leeway for veering aside in heavy traffic....

Oh well....such are the pitfalls of living in such a vibrant city!

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God save me from ExPats!

12/4/2016

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Something that has always puzzled me are the expariates who flock together in a foreign country....why would you escape your own country, only to huddle together with your own countrymen once in said foreign climes?

I saw this happen when I lived in Bali....weekly meetings of Kiwis, in bars/restaurants, closed to Indonesians....whole nightclubs that only let foreigners in....of course this policy backfired, with the incident of the Bali Bombing...the bombs went off in Aussie heavy clubs...like shooting fish in a barrel!

& so it goes here in Saigon...French Associations...Australian bars...Pommie football clubs, etc etc ....

I have successfully avoided these bun fights up until now...I have little desire to mix with a whole bunch of strangers, who I wouldnt have anything in common with in NZ....
If I want news from home, I have a plethora of choices....email, snailmail, Skype, telephones....to talk to people who do have something in common....

However....when you come here to live, you must register with the NZ Embassy...especially if you are receiving a pension...BIG BROTHER is watching!!!!

The Embassy/Consulate is eager to keep us all in touch....organising monthly dining meets, sports days, bbqs, et al
Twice a year, around November & April, they put on a big party at the Consul's home, in the posh district of Saigon...

They always email me, encouraging me to attend, which I always ignore....the last time I had to go to the Consulate to have papers signed, they asked me why they never saw me at any of these functions....
I waffled on in a vague fashion about cost, transport, the heat , & various lame excuses....until I was sure I had convinced them that I was a senile old bat who wasnt worth bothering with...& happily went on my way!

About a month ago I got another of these emailed missives, inviting me to a BBQ/Party at the Consul's residence, on April 9th....I deleted the message with my usual indifference!

BUT....this time I was lined up in their sights!
About a week before the party, I was phoned by the Consul's personal asst....she told me that it would cost nothing, & she had organised a Kiwi teacher to collect me on his motorbike , to ferry me over to District 2, then deliver me home again...
Oh BUGGER...caught to rights...

There was no way I could get out of it without being insulting....I was totally pissed off!

I'm not, & never have been a party animal....one hour of socialising is about it for me...I'm not great at social chitchat...unfortunately, most people dont like straight talking, they tend to get insulted when you speak your mind, deviating from the prescribed script for social gatherings...

Anyway....Sam , the Kiwi man, picked me up at 2pm & off we trundled...to District 2, the Fendalton/Remuera of Saigon....bristling with McMansions, Lexus's & wide clean boulevards...a million miles away from the mean, dirty streets & alleys from the Saigon I love....

The consul lives in a colonnaded mansion, overlooking the river...wide green lawns sweeping down to a dock, where rested a flash motorboat...very grand , beautiful setting!
I must admit to having a serious lip curl going on...like WTF?

I must say here, that the Consul herself is a lovely woman...very friendly & down to earth...but she definitely lost brownie points with me with this over the top setup, in a land of such poverty....although, to be fair, I guess she doesnt have much say...it all comes with the job...

To cut a long story short...it was every bit as awful as I had imagined it !!!!
I was wearing my everyday clothes (Hellooo...it was a BBQ), a western variation on traditional Vietnamese clothing...a loose silk tunic over floppy silk pants ...& JANDELS!

These people were dressed up as though they were going to the opera....men in shirts & ties...women in cocktail type dresses & high heels!!!
Plus full fig makeup...in this heat!!!

It was a 60 strong mixture of teachers, business people & Govt staff...& their behaviour , in my opinion, was abysmal !
The conversation revolved mainly around complaints about the country...insulting witticisms (sic) about the local people ...this all done in front of the Vietnamese serving staff, who were cycling around with nibbles & drinks.....

You know what? If you have so little respect for a country & its people...what the hell are you doing here?
Piss off...GO HOME!

I did well...I lasted for 2 hours !

But....the final straw was when a sycophantic discussion began, on the wondrous Shonkey JohnKey !!!!
I LOATHE the man, & believe most of the troubles in NZ can be laid squarely at his door!
I did say I thought he was a dreadful man, but it was either laughed off, or I was given horrified glares (although I did see one older guy smirk into his champagne glass & give me a look with a twinkle in his eye...lol)...

I had had enough of these dreadful poseurs....I told the P.A that I had a migraine coming on & wanted to leave...she organised the official car to take me home...Score!

NEVER...EVER AGAIN !
I dont care how insulting I have to be!

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AHA !

2/4/2016

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A few months ago I blogged about the very odd haircuts, some Vietnamese babies have....it was a mystery to me why they would do this to a baby....
This morning I got the answer...

On a visit to my local market for fruit/veges & flowers, I dropped in at my favourite coffee shop (the absolute BEST coffee in the world)....
The owner is a lovely woman who always has a chat with me...today she had her 18 month old grandson visiting...

This poor child had the ugliest haircut, despite being a beautiful looking little boy (sorry...no camera or phone with me)...
It was similar to the cut up above, but also had hair still growing just above his ears, in two long pieces....I was thinking "WTF??????"...he looked like some aging hippie who wont accept the aging/balding process....

The woman saw me looking & said "very ugly, isnt it?"

Then she explained....
Her daughter had lost two children in infancy, to illness....
She thought she had lost them due to them being too beautiful...the bad spirits were jealous of their beauty!

So to avoid the bad spirits being attracted to this child, she makes him as ugly as possible !

So....there you have it...
If you see some Asian child with a weird haircut, it is not because the parents are totally lacking in taste...they are trying to protect them!

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Hopefully, someone learnt their lesson!

A freaking NIGHTMARE...never again!!!

Flawed Logic....

God save me from ExPats!

AHA !

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